I hope you haven’t taken my absence as a sign of lack of interest on my part. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I’ve experienced changes that I wouldn’t even wish upon my enemies. Given all of that, I have decided to shake things a bit. Most of my posts have a more impersonal narrative. This one’s different. As with changes that are aversive in nature, came a train of anxiety, that hit me right in my stomach, if I may say so. I tried writing about it but there was a barrier. I didn’t want to pen anything down because that would make it real. Writing my thoughts would just make them all the more tangible. I wouldn’t say it was easier, but dwelling in all of that negative energy was beginning to give me comfort. As strange as that sounds. Wallowing is good for the heart.
I still won’t say that I’m over it. Because I’m far from it. But I’m healthy enough to write about it. I have experienced panic attacks before, but never of this magnitude. The whole heaviness in my heart, to the point of actual excruciating pain. Yes, that’s real. It’s not something poets just write to romanticize grief. Or the well of anxiety that decided to permanently reside in my stomach. Yes, I can truthfully say that I was never alone. The point of my sharing this, is to tell you that admitting to what you’re going through is liberating. It is freeing to take that stupid mask of “I’M OKAY” off and throw it in the dust bin. Or even better, burn it down to ash.
Nobody is okay all the time. It is completely acceptable to not be okay. Stop pretending. Sometimes, it’s even more exhausting to cover up anxiety than living with anxiety.
I have previously written a post on dealing with anxiety if that is helpful for anyone.
I’m signing off now. I promise real content soon.
Stop. Inhale. Take in your surroundings. Exhale. And carry on.